Mr. Stool

"I stooled myself, stooled all down my legs, even on my shoes."

"How ???"

" I stopped at the farm store and locked my doors and went inside. While I was there, somebody broke into my car, and sprayed a chemical that made me stool." 

"What chemical"

" I don't know, but as soon as I smelt it, I stooled"

" can you just stop saying stool, please?"

This wasn't my claim, but I heard a lot about it. No evidence was ever found that somebody broke into the car and sprayed this magic stool producer, but we paid the 1200 for clean up anyway. Why? Because when you do stupid shit (or take one) chances are we'll pay for it. Welcome to comprehensive claims!

Collision coverage is when you hit somebody or get hit with a vehicle. Comprehensive (here on: comp) is all the other worldly bullshit that can happen to you and your vehicle. Honestly this is where the good stories, and the most difficult people and the limits of the policy all merge together into a clusterfuck. 

So let's return to Mr.Stools. He claimed an unknown assailant broke into his car, sprayed a high-tech James Bond like spray so powerful, he pooped his pants. A chemical agent that the mere smell instantly causes a bowel movement. Of course, no pile of poop was found outside the vehicle, as surely an attacker must have gotten a slight wiff, right? No chemical stain found inside. No broken glass or forced entry. What the fuck right? Well, if you look up Mr. Stool on the Maryland Judiciary site, you can see he's had several recent DWI's and a history of booze related issues, chances are he was a bit lit, mistook a fart for the real deal, and boom: stool city.  Clearly, he's lying, but that's ok. The guy already had quite a day, the adjuster isn't going to push the story, he is up to date with payments, so here comes the check.

Of course, if you have the same insurance company as Mr.Stools, you will help cover the cost of his shitty drawers. No matter what he said, that check was on the way. I don't know why people just make up stuff. Just say you shit your pants. Who cares?

Comp also covers animal strikes. I've seen every type of critter you can think of accused of damaging vehicles. You would be shocked at how much damage a squirrel or hedgehog can do at 85 MPH. Birds shattering windshields, deer running into stopped vehicles trying to ram them, even a church van that was infested with rats. I had an old lady insured once that kept a 70's cargo van full of feral cats, but more on that another time.

This coverage also allows for an exceptional amount of fraud. People claim animal strikes or a tree fell on their vehicle, when in fact it was an accident .With the age of the Internet, these claims are quickly dismissed. If you back into a pole, and then say a deer hit your rear, and no evidence of deer hair ( those fuckers explode on impact and leave bits everywhere) and a dent that is 5 inches and cylindrical...chances are there will be some serious follow-up questions. 

Mr. Stool eventually tried to claim so old, rusty damage as part of his attack, and opened up a medical claim hoping to collect for " pain and suffering". When advised those will not be paid for, he threatened the adjuster and told him he would come to our office, and beat the stool out of him. Lovely. Just another claim out of 50 that week. Move on to the next.